Computer Virus
From Terry Priest
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Freudian Virus
"Your Computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard."
Lorena Bobbit Virus.
"Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy"
Tonya Harding Virus
"Turns you .BAT files into lethal weapons."
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus.
"Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Mag."
Ollie North Virus
"Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files."
Joey Buttafuaco Virus
"Only attacks minor files."
Ronald Reagan Virus
"Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored."
Jane Fonda Virus
"Attacks your hard drive's FAT
AT&T Virus
"Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting."
MCI Virus
"Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus."
Politicallly Correct Virus
"Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism.""
Ross Perot Virus
"Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darm thing quits."
Government Economist Virus
"Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine."
Federal Bureaucrat Virus
"Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer."
Congressional Virus #1
"The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem."
Congressional Virus #2.
"Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Airline Virus
"You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore."
PBS Virus
"Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money."
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
"Your programs can never be found again."
LAPD Virus.
"It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
O. J. Virus.
"It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it."
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When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
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COMPUTER MANUAL
by Ted Peterson
If a packet hits a pocket on socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted (as a very last resort)
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
And your data is corrupted, 'cause the index doesn't hash
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall!
If your screen is all distorted by the side-effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, that puppy's gonna hang!
If the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disc
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC
Then you have the flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your MOM!
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If you throw a cat out a car window, would it become "kitty litter?"
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10 WORDS
The following was forwared to me by e-mail from Don Steffen from a e-mail sent to him from Robert G. Hornes.
10 Words that don't exist but should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPEERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun)n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT ( dis kon fekt')v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow "remove" all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' its)n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust)n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept into the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room untill he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6 LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal" side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay')n. The waiter at a fancy resaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus)n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
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Why won't cannibals eat a clown. Is it because they taste funny?
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