Rev.9/25/01
YOU ARE BEATEN
If you think you are beaten, you are.
If you think you dare not, you don't.
If you like to win, but think you can't it's almost a cinch you won't.
If you think you'll lose, you lost.
For out in the world we find success begins with a fellows will; its all in the state of mind.
Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man; but soon or later the man who wins is the one who thinks he can.
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Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
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Men Vs. Women
A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants, where a woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend while a successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed but a woman somehow deteriorates during the night.
A woman has the last word in any argument because anything a man says after that is the beging of a new argument.
Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does but a women marries a man expecting he will change but he doesn't.
Any married man should forget his mistakes because there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?
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The 10 Commandents Relived
the New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.
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One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people everyday.
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ANTS
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.
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Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
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Boeing Employees and the Raft
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plant and home. When they took it for a float on the Silliguamish River, they were quite surprised be a US Coast Guard helicopter homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
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Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
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HOLE IN THE GROUND
Two guys are walking thru the woods and came across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does...toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait...no noise.
"Jeeez. That is Really deep...here throw one of these great big rocks down there... Those should make a noise." They then picked up a couple football-size rocks and tossed them into the hole and waited..and waited. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's Gotta make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heaved it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.
Then, out of the woods came a farmer who spots the men and ambles over asking, "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.
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The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson
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TRUE STORIES
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders, but one day, everyone was under the speed limit. The officer found the problem: a 10 year boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD," A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now, " she said, "if only I could find my hamster."
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The reason talk is cheap is because there is always a surplus.
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