Rev.9/25/01

Da Good Deed

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in.: The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me, SO, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turn around and yell to the rest of them, "Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!" St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"
"Oh, about two minutes ago."
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Dear Lord, Please make me thin, or if not make my friends fat.
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Error Messages Planned For Windows 2000

The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows 2000:
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1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE.
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10. This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off. "
11. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C.?
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat?
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error Reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one?
19. WinErr: 547: LPT1 not found..Use backup.. PENCIL & PAPER.
20. User Error: Replace User.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it?
22. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
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If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
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NEW CHEMICAL ELEMENT DISCOVERED

by Don Steffen
The heaviest elelment known to science was recentlly discovered by investigators at a major US research university. The element tentatively, named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 11 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detedcted chemicallly as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minutes amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorgatization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irrecersible damage, but results to date are not promising.
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Do radioactives cats have 18 half-lives?
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GOVERNMENT

The different between good business and government. If your horse is dead when you ride it the different ways that the government would do it.
1.There are 3 ways to do a job. The right way, the wrong way, and the government way.
2. Do a Q & A study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
3. Provide additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
4. Purchase a product to make the dead horses run faster.
5. Appoint a committee to study the dead horse.
6. Form a "quality circle" to find uses for the dead horse.
7. Creat a training session to increase the dead horse riding ability.
8. Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
9. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
10. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead then alive.
11. Declare that "No horse is too dead to beat."
12. Compare the state of dead horses in today's environment.
13. Buy a stronger whip.
14. Change Riders.
15. Say that this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
16. Change the requirements, declaring that "This horse is not dead. "
17. Arange to visit other offices to see how they ride dead horses.
18. Say things like "This is the way we have always ridden dead horses before."
19. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
20. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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When you only have one TV, why do they call it a TV set?
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